Thanks for choosing JOWLS brand soda! Your reward code is FMXA39110OO0o1IIIL. Please visit the JOWLS website to enter your code for a chance at cool JOWLS CLUB prizes, including an all-expenses-paid trip to the JOWLS Headquarters!

Welcome to the JOWLS website! To proceed please enter your JOWLS CLUB username and password. If you do not have an account, you must register before proceeding.

JOWLS DOWN! To register for JOWLS CLUB please choose a username and password. Your username may not contain any numbers and must evoke a sense of untamed mystery. Your password must contain the following: capital letters, lowercase letters, ancient Akkadian (not Sumerian), at least 5 prime numbers, and the binary representation of the latitude and longitude of your current location!

The username “TheDryLakeIsFilledWithUnicornSkulls” has already been taken! Please choose another or use the randomly assigned username provided, PORKSWORDS42.

Welcome to JOWLS CLUB, PORKSWORDS42! Here you can keep track of your JOWLS POINTS, register for our rewards program, and redeem your JOWLS cap codes!

Please enter your 19-digit code found beneath your JOWLS cap.

F -M -X - A - 3- 9- 1- 1- 0- O- O- 0- o- 1- I- I - I- L

We’re sorry, that code isn’t long enough! Please try again!

F -M -X - A - 3- 9- 1- 1- 0- O- O- 0- o- 1- I- I - I- L

We’re sorry, that code isn’t long enough! Please try again!

F -M -X - A - 3- 9- 1- 1- 0- O- O- 0- o- 1- I- I - I- L - 4

We’re sorry, that code has already been redeemed!

F -M -X - A - 3- 9- 1- 1- 0- O- O- 0- o- 1- I- I - I- L - 5

We’re sorry, that code has already been redeemed!

F -M -X - A - 3- 9- 1- 1- 0- O- O- 0- o- 1- I- I - I- L

Great JOWLS! You’ve won 200,000 JOWLS Points! Jump to our store!

Welcome to the JOWLS DRIPPINS’ Store! Here you can redeem your JOWLS POINTS for awesome prizes, including more chances at instant-win prizes!

Current Points: 200,000

Featured Items:

“JOWLS OPEN” Persistently Moist Tee - 6,000,001 points

JOWLS Snapback with Real Leather Jowls! - 4,000,000 points

JOWLS 1-Liter bottle - 300,000 points

JOWLS Disposable Fur-lined straw (1) - 50,000 points

JOWLS Quarterly #1 - 1,000,000 points

One (1) Random Instant-win Prize! - 200,000 points

You have added One (1) Random Instant-win Prize to your cart! If you are done shopping, please proceed to checkout.

Before completing your slobberin’ experience here at JOWLS, we’d like to take a minute and ask you to partake in a brief customer survey.

Please answer the following questions on a scale of 1 (strongly disagree) to 5 (strongly agree).

1. The JOWLS brand soda is something I experience rather than simply occasionally partake in.

1 - Strongly Disagree

2. As opposed to competitor brands, I trust JOWLS brand in terms of consistency, quality, and flavor.

2 - Disagree

3. JOWLS brand uses imagery such as slobber, loose skin, howling, barking, and growling. This does not negatively impact my view of the brand.

1 - Strongly Disagree

4. The only truly worthwhile goal in life is to die.

3 - No opinion

5. The JOWLS brand is my guiding light in times of sorrow, and the JOWLS brand speaks to a higher plane of consciousness.

1 - Strongly Disagree

6. I agree with the principles set forth by time cube.

1 - Strongly Disagree

7. There is only time cube.

1 - Strongly Disagree.

8. Time cube.

1 - Strongly Disagree.

9. JOWLS brand soda and JOWLS brand sanitary napkins are products I can see passing down to my kids or recommending to my family.

2 - Disagree

10. Currently, JOWLS brand soda is made with 100% domesticated, imported ingredients such as water, sugar, and turmeric. Would you be interested in a more modern, synthetic brand of JOWLS made with completely synthesized, artificial ingredients?

5 - Strongly Agree

Thank you for completing our survey! JOWLS brand representatives will take your personal feedback into consideration and observe quietly.

Click ACCEPT to redeem your 200,000 JOWLS points for One (1) Random Instant-win prize!

You have been signed out.

Please sign in to proceed to the JOWLS Drippins’ Store.

Your username and password do not match, please try again.

Your username and password do not match. You have been temporarily locked from any more attempts for fifteen (15) minutes. If you are experiencing difficulties with your username and password, please click RESET PASSWORD.

To reset your password, please enter your username and e-mail address.

PORKSWORDS42, an e-mail has been sent to the registered address with a link to reset your password.

To reset your password, please click the link below or paste it into your browser.

Please enter your username: PORKSWORDS42

Please enter your new password: ********************************

Please re-enter your new password: ********************************

You’re almost there! You will receive another e-mail shortly. Respond to the e-mail with a 13+ megapixel photo of yourself standing in a bioluminescent-lit room. Wait 3 days and then e-mail the same address with your phone number. You will receive a call from a blocked number in 4-5 days. You will be asked to correctly guess what our JOWLS brand representative is clutching in their right palm. You will receive a parcel with no return address in 1-2 weeks with your new password written inside in invisible ink. To receive the decoder, correctly identify the Zodiac killer.

Thank you for choosing JOWLS brand!